"Layers Around the Self"

Reading time: approx. 4 - 5min  

 The Beginning of a Conversation with My Parts

Working with the limbic system, which I have been doing regularly for a year now with the help of the wonderful program by Primal Trust, has given me truly beautiful experiences for which I am very grateful. I was able to meet many wonderful people and discover a whole new facet of myself and of life. I notice that I am regaining my trust in myself and my body piece by piece – a huge gift in my life. It is like the last missing puzzle piece that I had been searching for for a long time. And I am grateful for all the pieces of this puzzle, because I was able to learn something important from every single one.

A short while ago, I had a 1:1 mentoring session with a Primal Trust mentor to prepare myself a little for the next, more intensive step in the Primal Trust learning process. At some point during our session, we talked about parts and subpersonalities, or inner voices, inner critics and so on within me, and about who was actually «speaking» here. And it seemed to me as if he saw much more clearly that above all, a loving part within me visualises what one could call the Self. He just said something like: "The one part you spoke about – is that maybe not a part at all, but simply your Self? What do you think?"

This sentence was so logical and clear, so simple and yet as complex as it could possibly have been. At the end of the session, I received a really good book recommendation and started to explore my so called "parts".

Parts? The voices within us that protect and help, that keep a watchful eye and emerged at some point in life. This has nothing to do with schizophrenia. For those who are interested in learning more: "No Bad Parts" by Richard Schwartz. Read and understand for yourself.

It was not entirely clear to me beforehand whether inner critics or these inner parts are the same thing, and so I am only now slowly beginning to understand how exactly to look at this. Parts work, which is the term for this inner work, will probably accompany me for quite a while, if not for the rest of my life. I assume that we humans consist of so many parts, letting old ones rest peacefully and perhaps new ones joining in. Maybe I am wrong, but that does not matter, I will see for myself then and can easily imagine that it can look different for everyone. For me, it is definitely something very exciting that I genuinely look forward to sitting down with and learning about, even if there is always a bit of fear resonating.

Since painting has found a totally new meaning for me through all these topics, I wanted to process this exploration of the new chapter of parts work directly in a visual way. I think there will probably be quite a few paintings resulting from this, maybe also simple sketches, series or the like. In any case, this is how this first painting was created, which I call "Layers Around the Self"..

The first part that encountered me – and which I must admit in hindsight I actually know very well – is this part of multifaceted pressure. It is a pressure that makes me restless and spreads in many ways throughout all my cells. A back and forth, an up and down, walking superficially or deeply within my own shadow. While I am writing these lines, another one is making itself noticed, which consists more of pure nervousness, and perhaps also an inner critic thinking I better should not write this, because "what will people think".

I will, of course, take care of these areas very understandingly. Because I notice that this impulse comes from a familiar feeling, from my Self. As far as I have understood, this is also the true goal of parts work: to meet the parts from within the inner Self in order to arrive fully back within oneself, at the Self. This authentic I, which cannot be broken, changed or destroyed. It is. It has always been. And it will remain. It is this strength to then live exactly like that and to live what makes up 100% of oneself. And when I write this, my nervous part and the critic calm down immediately. This thought of the Self is beautiful and something I am truly excited to explore and eventually, sooner or later, to live. To be connected with my Self again.

In the painting, these subtle approaches to the Self become noticeable through the golden color accents. It is an element that guides the eye automatically and gives the artwork a feeling of hope, guidance and trust. On the whole, however, it might also seem a bit dark to the viewer, I could certainly imagine that. I believe it is allowed to be. I would not claim that my inner world consists only of happiness and sunshine. It is just as allowed to have dark and misty parts. So it consists of many shapes, colors and facets. Exactly the way I see and perceive my inner world with all its parts.

There are parts that are perhaps rather light and did not have to be something they were not. Other parts are very torn and heavy because they have been protecting me for a long time, and that in a way that does not really suit them. There are mixed forms of this and connections to each other. At least that is how I see it from this first, initial perspective. I am curious to see how this might or will change through painting as I continue to explore the topic, and of course, ultimately, how it will show up within myself and in my life.

So now, here with this painting, I begin this inner journey to myself as lovingly as I can and as curiously as possible. I feel that a lot of love, authenticity, warmth and trust are waiting for me.

Thank you, you parts within me, for waiting, for protecting, for being someone else to help me. I am here now and I am glad to listen. I am here and I share with the outside world, no matter what colors you carry within you.

Thank you for reading!

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